Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Deactivating the Battle

The other day when this photo was taken she had climbed on top of the table as she often does, and decided to toss everything. When I saw this photo I thought, this is me. It sums up a lot of my days of living someone else's idea, feeling like "just a mom" dismissed, a failure, drained, unappreciated, unmotivated, forgotten, yada yada, etc. It's a very lonely place hidden in shame behind a smile or laugh. I'm overwhelmed and I want to wave my white diaper wipe, crawl off the scene and admit defeat. Instead I suck it up. I'm not a wimp. I'm not a victim so move on Mom. Yeah but I still struggle. I'm human. I know others have been here but while many mothers and wives feel this, it is a very lonely place. Our emotions are our own battle ground. The other day I contemplated deactivating my facebook account for various reasons. While battling my bucket full of emotions, and trying to deal with spontaneous problems right before Fia's doctors appointment, I broke. I cried. I was done. I needed help but wasn't here. I hesitated but I asked anyway. I went to a group of friends in our Mom's group on facebook and asked for prayer. Moments after I posted my SOS prayer request I felt peace. I thought wow Lord! I came back to the group and read the replies of, "Been there and praying for you, you got this, praying for you etc." Again I was brought to tears but good ones. Ones that come from feeling supported and cared for. Support in prayer is priceless. Guess I won't deactivate my account. There are precious people there. Thank you friends for your prayers. We are in a battle daily and prayer works! I pray this spiritual battle doesn't last long. Until then I'll genuinely smile while Fia tosses those diaper wipes each one represents a prayer for peace.
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